Why it’s time to reclaim your pleasure

Did you know that your pleasure matters? I wonder if this flies in the face of the stories you’ve been told about it? Pause for a moment to think here. How do you feel about pleasure, or giving yourself permission to receive it? Let’s consider for a moment the impact that the selfless woman archetype has had on our capacity to experience pleasure… It is time to reclaim your right to receive! There is nothing indulgent or selfish about prioritising it because pleasure is fundamental to healing and navigating stress.

Why pleasure is so vital for your health

We’re all familiar with the ‘fight or flight’ stress response, I hope you’re also aware of the concept of glimmers, a concept coined by clinician and trauma expert, Deb Dana¹. You can think of glimmers as the opposite to threats – these are cues, internal or external, that help you feel joyful, at ease, peaceful, or safe and you need them for your health.

Glimmers shift your nervous system out of the stress response and into the ventral vagal state of ‘rest and digest’, allowing you to do exactly that – to heal and assimilate the nourishment available to you, resourcing you to cope with life’s demands.

Far from frivolous, your health depends on it. Glimmers help you heal, boost your immune function, provide you with pain relief, and promote better sleep. Pleasure lifts your mood, replenishes your energy levels, helps you recover from stress, alleviates worry and facilitates better creative planning and problem solving.

Glimmers give shape and potentially meaning to your life, enhancing motivation and staying power, but do watch out for short term pleasure with longer term costs! They can also deepen your bonds, allowing for shared humanity, connection and memory making.

Being open to glimmers into your life

How can you give yourself permission to experience more pleasure? How would you like to receive pleasure? What feels pleasurable to you? Enjoy pondering, and if you feel stuck, I’ve got you covered below:

• Feeling the sunlight on your skin
• Listening to bird song
• Watching a sunset
• Enjoying a hug
• Seeing the reflection of sunlight on water
• Feeling the warmth and comfort of a blanket
• Imbibing the scent and warm glow of a candle
• Sitting with the cat on your lap
• Wrapping your hands around a warm cup of tea

Receiving pleasure via your body

You don’t have to wait for the next rainbow to appear to experience pleasure, you can deliberately seek it out. Perhaps the source you’re looking for is within fingertips reach... When was the last time you turned to your body to seek pleasure? Perhaps you’re thinking I haven’t got the appetite for that… It’s not you, it’s a function of energy. Depleted or struggling with the weight of mental load? It is no surprise that sexual desire is low.

Close some mental tabs, maybe reapportion some responsibility, have a rest to replenish and see what blooms. Darling, it is time to get your mojo back. Now that you are aware of all the beautiful benefits of pleasure, I hope it can get bumped back up your list of priorities. Find some quiet time to explore you again.

Half the battle is just getting reacquainted again. Raising kids, perimenopause, you might feel like it’s been a long time since you felt alive ‘down there’, or like it’s not really yours anymore. If sex has felt like an act to please someone else or if the orgasm gap has made sex feel like a chore, give yourself time to shift gears and allow a different purpose to guide you.

It needn’t be sexual, there are all sorts of ways we can turn to the body for pleasure. It might be nice to just cradle your chin in your hands and feel held or massage some magnesium oil into your feet before sleep. Maybe you just want to wrap up in a weighted blanket and cocoon yourself. The invitation is to go where you feel drawn and honour yourself.

What to do when you feel guilty for seeking pleasure

Darling, those tales you have been told about pleasure, please can you question whether this ethos serves you and gently reflect on what it has cost you? Can you give yourself permission to make different choices moving forwards?

What is the purpose of pleasure? It’s not just a nice to have! If good sleep, a healthy immune system, resilience, access to patience and a buoyant mood matter to you, then here is the invitation to prioritise life-giving pleasure! Let glimmers move you out of the stress response into the healing, empathetic state of rest and digest mode, helping you not only feel safe but to be a calm, safe place for those you love.

If you reflect on some peak life moments of awe, joy or contentment, times you felt alive, what cultivated them? Were there some you enjoyed solo? Which did you relish with others? Have they provided rich memories that still feed you now? Who benefitted from this joy (not just in the moment but in the beautiful afterglow).

Please can you write down your thoughts now on why it is ok for you to experience pleasure in your life? If there are still barriers, I get it, they can be tenacious… says who? What does your ‘future self’ think? Can pleasure help you commit to some healthy habits? What kind of pleasure would you like your loved ones to embrace? Why are you any different?

Make your mind map of life-giving joy bringers now, thinking along the lines of your senses, movement, meaning, nature, learning, and connection. Choose one now darling and savour it. You are worthy and even if you don’t feel worthy yet, I invite you to do it anyway. Notice how you feel afterwards and the benefits it brings to all you love.

References

1. Dana D. The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. First edition. W.W. Norton & Company; 2018.